...why are blacklights blue?...

I literally don’t know where I would be if my parents were just stationary citizens who worked in one town and stayed there.

All my life I’ve been burdened with being part of a military family. Don’t get me wrong; I loved it! If it weren’t for the military I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have met these amazing people I call friends. Everywhere I’ve gone I’ve met someone who has impacted my life and left footprints on my heart. It was always hard. But I got over it. I got used to it.

It started in Japan. I met Austin. I met Ashley. I met Michael. I met Kyle. I met Chris. and another Chris. I met Jorden. I met Tara. and another Jourdan. We became best friends. Inseparable. We grew up in elementary school together. Some left, some stayed. Then I left.

Next was New Jersey. It was summer. My mom said I should join marching band. Day One: Band Picnic. I met Julia. I met Christa. We became best friends. Inseparable. We grew up in middle school and graduated to high school together. No one left. Except for me.

I moved to Florida. It was a month into the semester already. Dang Floridians have to start school in August. But it was okay, because I met Kyrsten. I met Chayne. I met Michelle. I met Michael. Later, I met Claire. We became best friends. Inseparable. We endured three years of high school and all graduated together. In red caps and gowns we passed to the world outside of high school.

For the first time in a long time, I stayed within the borders of a state. I left my comfort zone and migrated to college at UCF. Making new friends became harder. There was less consistency. But I knew Emily. I met Patricia. and most recently I met Jessica and I met Sandy. We became close friends. Not so inseparable, but close.

Now its almost half-way done. What am I doing here? I want to work in forensics. No, I don’t. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to work with wildlife. Northwestern wildlife. Florida is not northwestern. Alaska is my option. My only option. Take it or leave it. But I don’t want to leave. I met Jessica. We are so much alike. We became friends. Why is this so hard?

Mom knows best. Right? Of course she’s right. I need to figure out what I’m going to do with my life. I’ve screwed up. So much. Why can’t I start over? What happened to “do-overs”? I miss those days. Life was so much simpler.

How has it already been almost two years? Why does Alaska have to be over 3,000 miles away? Screw geography.

This should be easy for me. I’ve done it all my life; I move. I stay. In a few years, I leave again. Its been a part of my life for 19 years. It’s made me who I am today. Why is this decision so hard? I should be used to it by now. I’ve shed tears for the friends I’ve had to leave behind. But I got over it eventually. I’ve made new friends. Each time I moved, it gradually got easier. Why does this potential move seem so much harder?

But I need to go to Alaska. They have what I want. No, they have what I need. As a bonus, it is so pretty up there. I’ll be with family. I’ll get to continue to watch my little sister grow. I’ll have a job. This should be an easy decision. Why isn’t it?

We were going to get a house. Move away from the drama of having two crazy bi-polar roommates. It was going to be me, Jessica and Sandy. What if this doesn’t work out? It wasn’t a perfect plan, but it was a start. Now what? I want to stay, but I need to go.

My mom asked me what the benefit of staying at UCF for one more year would be. I couldn’t answer her. I knew the answer. We wanted to get a house. Move away from the drama of having two crazy bi-polar roommates. It was going to be me, Jessica and Sandy. I couldn’t answer her. I just kept quiet. I didn’t say a word. My mom would flip out. That is not a good enough reason in her book. The odds are not in my favor.

What do I want to do with my life? I’m not in high school anymore. I have to choose. Why can’t I be in high school anymore? I was so ready to leave. To get away. To start college. What happened? I want to go back. This isn’t what I thought it was going to be.

I’m lost. Why is this so hard? I don’t want to hurt them. They keep my sane everyday. I can’t hurt Jessica. She’s had a hard life; I can’t hurt her too. We had a plan and I might be breaking it. What kind of friend would I be?

Sitting here, writing. I realize why it is so much harder now. It makes a difference when it is my choice. We moved to Japan because of the military. We moved to New Jersey because of the military. We moved to Florida because of the military. My parents got sent to Alaska without me because of the military. I didn’t have a choice. The military chose for me. I liked that. I don’t like making decisions. I always feel like I make the wrong ones. And I do. A lot.

This is the longest we’ve been separated like this. I used to be just a 6.5 hour car ride away. Now I’m a 9 hour plane ride and over $1,000 away. I stayed because of my school. That wasn’t directly my choice either.

Now I must choose. This is why it is hard. I don’t want to leave. Jessica is my friend; I can’t hurt her like this.

What do I do? I’m lost. I need my mom and dad. I need my best friend. I can’t see my future. What am I missing? What do I need to do? I need a sign. Please.

I’m signing off. I’ve done enough crying for one night. Bring on the sleepless night of restless thoughts.