...why are blacklights blue?...

A wise man once told me that “in a hundred years, we’ll all be dead and nothing will matter anyway.”

So what’s the point then? Why are we here? Do we have a purpose deeper than just living? We are born, we live, we die. 
The end.

Some people accomplish great things, and they are remembered for them. But what about the rest of us? Will someone 100 years from now, 50 years from now, remember me? Or will I just be a name and a picture in an old high school yearbook that someone may or may not look back at?

We use so much energy worrying about our futures and what may or may not happen. Mayans predict the end of the world in 2012. Well, guess what; that’s less than four years away. And I’m here spending thousands of dollars on a college education that may or may not benefit me due to the crappy economy, and for what? I’m only a sophomore and in four years, what then? Am I wasting my life away here?

I want to travel. I want to see the world. School is tying me down. I don’t care about acid titrations of chemistry and I know that if I don’t learn about them soon, my “required” chemistry II class is going to be the death of me.

Maybe I won’t even make it to 2012. And I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Forensics? I’ve watched too much CSI; it has tainted my view. The same wise man said that perception is far from reality. If I want to be a forensic scientist, I should already be in organic chemistry with having passed pre-calculus, calculus, chemistry I (and II), not to mention a whole bunch of other crap. I’m only a sophomore. What do you want from me? So I gave up.

Then my dad calls and, without realizing it, gives me the biggest guilt trip of my life. “Oh, I always brag about you to people I know…” “She’s gonna be a CSI” “She’s so smart.” “She’s going to go far in life.”… But what if I don’t? How many people am I going to disappoint?

I just want it to go away. I want to fast-forward. Where will I be in 5 years? 10 years? Who will my friends be? Will I even have any more? True friends are hard to keep, let alone find in the first place. I have some though. But, where will they be in 5 or 10 years?

I want to live life to the fullest. I want to travel the world. I want to go sky diving. I just want to get through college. Some people make it look so easy. Janelle drinks. A lot. And yet, she’s so smart. She’s going to law school. She was on the Dean’s List. She’s a senior and she’s survived. What am I doing wrong? I know what I’m doing wrong; I hate studying. I like to read. No, I love to read. I hate to read because I have to though. I read for pleasure and people think I’m weird. I’m lazy. Hear that, Terry? I admit it. But I don’t know how to change.

What started this rant? I was going to go to Wal-Mart. That’s what I told them. But then again, I tell them a lot that I don’t mean. Krista said that they talk to me all the time because there is no one else. I don’t want to carry that burden. What if I’m not good enough to look up to? I can’t be someone’s role model.

This is good. I needed to get things off my chest. I never do this. I’ve never continuously kept any kind of journal or diary. Maybe this can be my start. Maybe this can be the start of other things too. More studying. Striving. Leting people believe in me. I want to be someone who accomplishes something.

I want to be more than a name and a picture in a high school yearbook…