...why are blacklights blue?...

The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity. - Helen Rowland

You only get one life and 99% of the time, there are no “do-overs”. And when you don’t take an opportunity that life gives you, someone else will take it from you. They will be the ones that get to benefit from it. Not you. Then all you’re left with are the regrets and “what ifs”… We make these excuses to feel better, but sometimes, we’re just lying to ourselves. Opportunity only knocks once and it doesn’t wait before it leaves. And if you don’t hurry and answer the door, it will go find someone who will.

In the end, regrets are the ones that come knocking. And unlike opportunities, they don’t leave. They stay on your doorstep and remind you that you made the wrong choice.

Here are some of mine…

Summer 2005:

We didn’t take too many band trips when I lived in New Jersey. We went to competitions, but they were drives away.

With military parents, you can usually expect to live in a place for 3 years. That was norm. 2005 was our year to move again. It would happen at the end of the summer. It was definite and inevitable; no ifs, ands or buts.

That was the summer that my band would take the trip of a lifetime. They were set to tour Europe. From England to Wales, Austria to Italy, and so many places in between. All my life, all I ever really wanted to go was Europe. This was my chance. Words could not describe how much I wanted to go on this trip. However, the military had other plans for my family.

My mom told me that we would be moving in early August. That was when the band was supposed to be getting back. Since we didn’t know exactly what day we would have to move, I had to pass on the trip.  Looking back now, if that were the case, I don’t understand why I couldn’t just meet them in Florida. But that’s life, right?

On top of that, the band got back 3 days before we moved. I could’ve gone. But I didn’t.

I regret not going. It hurts. I really wish I would’ve gone.

Fall 2005:

In fall of 2005, I moved to Crestview, Florida. It was a month into the school year and 3 months into the band year already. The band was going to perform at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade this year. Along with that, they were going to spend a few days in New York to enjoy what it has to offer; from a Broadway show to Ellis Island and everywhere in between. Mr. Dunn told my parents that I was more than welcome to come even if I wasn’t in the actual performance.

Over that last 3-4 months, each band member had been raising funds so that they could go. They had about 5-6 months to raise the money. I had 2. No, not even 2.
But my parents said that they would help me pay for it if I wanted to go.

I was new and this band intimidating the shit out of me. I went from a cozy 45-member band in New Jersey to a jaw-dropping 350-member band in two weeks. This band was required to be able to play 15 major scales within 2 minutes. They got invited to perform in the Macy’s Fricken Thanksgiving Day Parade. Not only that, but they would be the band that would bring in Santa Claus.

I wasn’t comfortable here yet. I didn’t know anyone. I remember giving my parents some lame excuse. “I’ve already been to New York. It’s okay.” I’m pretty sure they could see it in my eyes that I really wanted to go. But it was expensive. And I knew that.

When the band got back from New York, they were ecstatic. Many of them had never even been out of Florida. We watched the parade that day in class. This band had been part of something huge. People all over the United States got to see them perform.

I regret not going. It hurts. I really wish I would’ve gone.

Spring 2007:

Sometime towards the beginning of my Junior year, I received a letter in the mail. It was from the People to People Student Ambassador Program. It wasn’t the first one that I had received; I remember getting one a few years before. But I was in high school now. I wanted to say that I’ve done something. And this time around, they were going to Europe.

Life has a funny way of making things happen. This was life telling me that I had another chance to take a trip to Europe. And I didn’t want to lose that again.
I wasn’t going to be able to make the meeting. I was in Tampa and too far away, but it wasn’t going to stop me. After a couple emails, I got an over-sized envelope in the mail. In it, was an application and information about the trip. Along with the price tag.

Hila was telling me about the time she went to Australia with this group. It was one of the memorable things she had ever done. To her, it was worth every penny. And I knew it would be the same for me.

I was all set to go. Next spring I would be touring England, Belgium, Switzerland, Germany, France and the Netherlands.  But as time caught up with me, so did my lack of money. I got lazy. I admit it. When you set goals, you need to keep up them and I didn’t. My parents didn’t have the money to help out with this one. It was a lot more expensive than going to New York for 5 days.

I regret not going. It hurts. I really wish I would’ve gone.

Present Day:

I need to make a choice. I want to do something extraordinary. Something that people look at me and say “you’re crazy, but that’s great”. And that’s what they did say when I said that I might transfer up to UAF in Alaska.

I’m so tired of Florida. I’m tired of the humid hot summers that seem to never end. And I’m tired of being here. Maybe it’s just because I’m not used to staying in one place for more than a few years.

I got spoiled this past summer. Our trip up to Alaska changed my life. The beauty. The people. The adventure of a lifetime. I saw nature outside of captivity. I was feet away from bears and bison with nothing separating us except for a car door. I saw mountains and trees that stretched for miles. Plains with no buildings in sight; just the road in front of us.

Natural beauty was given a whole new definition in my book.

It’s a different world up there. Not even just in Alaska, but the Northwest in general.

I have a choice that needs to be made. An opportunity. And I know that I should take it. That I need to take it. I need to take it.

I’m going to make some people sad. But I’ve known too many opportunities that I’ve let pass me by. And I’ve known too many regrets to have another one. My mom’s ultimatum is that I move there this fall or never. I have the opportunity to study up in Alaska and get in-state tuition from my parents being in the military. I need to take it.

I’m going to miss my friends. I know that. I’ve had to leave friends behind before. But my mom is right. As much as I hate to say it, she is about this: Friends only last so long most of the time. After college, we’re going to move on anyway. Go our separate ways. I loved my friends in New Jersey. My life was going to end if I had to leave them. But I did. And I feel like we don’t talk anymore. Communication is a two-way street. I know. But when you move, things change. People change. I’ve changed. We don’t have as much in common as we used to. They willalwaysbe my friends. They have all left their footprints on my heart. But we’ve moved on. And I know that my friends here can do the same with time. And so can I.

It’s a little different graduating with someone. And living with someone at college. They become a lot closer than just friends. I know that we will keep contact. Thank God for the Internet.

But I have to think about what I’m doing after college. I love my friends, but my mom’s right; they can’t influence my life or else I won’t be going in the direction that I wanted to go before I met them.

I LOVE you guys. I really do. And I want you to know that and remember it. But I need to make this decision. And I cannot live with another opportunity knocking and me not answering. I cannot live here thinking “what if I did transfer up to Alaska?”. I need to take this chance.

Please don’t be mad at me.

I know I will regret not going. It will hurt. If I don’t, I will really wish I would’ve gone.

I need to make a choice.

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the ones who treat you right, forget the ones who don’t. And remember that everything in life happens for a reason… If you get a chance TAKE IT, if it changes your life, then LET IT. No one said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it…

They promised it would be worth it. And I believe them.

I literally don’t know where I would be if my parents were just stationary citizens who worked in one town and stayed there.

All my life I’ve been burdened with being part of a military family. Don’t get me wrong; I loved it! If it weren’t for the military I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have met these amazing people I call friends. Everywhere I’ve gone I’ve met someone who has impacted my life and left footprints on my heart. It was always hard. But I got over it. I got used to it.

It started in Japan. I met Austin. I met Ashley. I met Michael. I met Kyle. I met Chris. and another Chris. I met Jorden. I met Tara. and another Jourdan. We became best friends. Inseparable. We grew up in elementary school together. Some left, some stayed. Then I left.

Next was New Jersey. It was summer. My mom said I should join marching band. Day One: Band Picnic. I met Julia. I met Christa. We became best friends. Inseparable. We grew up in middle school and graduated to high school together. No one left. Except for me.

I moved to Florida. It was a month into the semester already. Dang Floridians have to start school in August. But it was okay, because I met Kyrsten. I met Chayne. I met Michelle. I met Michael. Later, I met Claire. We became best friends. Inseparable. We endured three years of high school and all graduated together. In red caps and gowns we passed to the world outside of high school.

For the first time in a long time, I stayed within the borders of a state. I left my comfort zone and migrated to college at UCF. Making new friends became harder. There was less consistency. But I knew Emily. I met Patricia. and most recently I met Jessica and I met Sandy. We became close friends. Not so inseparable, but close.

Now its almost half-way done. What am I doing here? I want to work in forensics. No, I don’t. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to work with wildlife. Northwestern wildlife. Florida is not northwestern. Alaska is my option. My only option. Take it or leave it. But I don’t want to leave. I met Jessica. We are so much alike. We became friends. Why is this so hard?

Mom knows best. Right? Of course she’s right. I need to figure out what I’m going to do with my life. I’ve screwed up. So much. Why can’t I start over? What happened to “do-overs”? I miss those days. Life was so much simpler.

How has it already been almost two years? Why does Alaska have to be over 3,000 miles away? Screw geography.

This should be easy for me. I’ve done it all my life; I move. I stay. In a few years, I leave again. Its been a part of my life for 19 years. It’s made me who I am today. Why is this decision so hard? I should be used to it by now. I’ve shed tears for the friends I’ve had to leave behind. But I got over it eventually. I’ve made new friends. Each time I moved, it gradually got easier. Why does this potential move seem so much harder?

But I need to go to Alaska. They have what I want. No, they have what I need. As a bonus, it is so pretty up there. I’ll be with family. I’ll get to continue to watch my little sister grow. I’ll have a job. This should be an easy decision. Why isn’t it?

We were going to get a house. Move away from the drama of having two crazy bi-polar roommates. It was going to be me, Jessica and Sandy. What if this doesn’t work out? It wasn’t a perfect plan, but it was a start. Now what? I want to stay, but I need to go.

My mom asked me what the benefit of staying at UCF for one more year would be. I couldn’t answer her. I knew the answer. We wanted to get a house. Move away from the drama of having two crazy bi-polar roommates. It was going to be me, Jessica and Sandy. I couldn’t answer her. I just kept quiet. I didn’t say a word. My mom would flip out. That is not a good enough reason in her book. The odds are not in my favor.

What do I want to do with my life? I’m not in high school anymore. I have to choose. Why can’t I be in high school anymore? I was so ready to leave. To get away. To start college. What happened? I want to go back. This isn’t what I thought it was going to be.

I’m lost. Why is this so hard? I don’t want to hurt them. They keep my sane everyday. I can’t hurt Jessica. She’s had a hard life; I can’t hurt her too. We had a plan and I might be breaking it. What kind of friend would I be?

Sitting here, writing. I realize why it is so much harder now. It makes a difference when it is my choice. We moved to Japan because of the military. We moved to New Jersey because of the military. We moved to Florida because of the military. My parents got sent to Alaska without me because of the military. I didn’t have a choice. The military chose for me. I liked that. I don’t like making decisions. I always feel like I make the wrong ones. And I do. A lot.

This is the longest we’ve been separated like this. I used to be just a 6.5 hour car ride away. Now I’m a 9 hour plane ride and over $1,000 away. I stayed because of my school. That wasn’t directly my choice either.

Now I must choose. This is why it is hard. I don’t want to leave. Jessica is my friend; I can’t hurt her like this.

What do I do? I’m lost. I need my mom and dad. I need my best friend. I can’t see my future. What am I missing? What do I need to do? I need a sign. Please.

I’m signing off. I’ve done enough crying for one night. Bring on the sleepless night of restless thoughts.

lights:

white lights you ask house-guests to remove their shoes
multicolored lights you’re an extrovert
blinking lights you have attention deficit disorder

ornaments:

homemade ornaments you have lots of children
strung popcorn you have too much time on your hands
red balls only you wish you lived in a department store

topper:

yellow star on top you’re traditional
glowing Santa on top you shop at Kitsch ‘R’ Us
cutoff top you didn’t measure the tree

smell:

vague evergreen smell you bought a healthy tree
strong evergreen smell you sprayed your tree with Pine-Sol
just plain smelly there’s a dead bird in your tree

SOURCE: Reader’s Digest, Rebecca Munsterer

.. current weather for Oviedo, Florida -> mostly cloudy with a temperature of 84° degrees…
for some reason i could have sworn it was december… but, ive been wrong before…

A wise man once told me that “in a hundred years, we’ll all be dead and nothing will matter anyway.”

So what’s the point then? Why are we here? Do we have a purpose deeper than just living? We are born, we live, we die. 
The end.

Some people accomplish great things, and they are remembered for them. But what about the rest of us? Will someone 100 years from now, 50 years from now, remember me? Or will I just be a name and a picture in an old high school yearbook that someone may or may not look back at?

We use so much energy worrying about our futures and what may or may not happen. Mayans predict the end of the world in 2012. Well, guess what; that’s less than four years away. And I’m here spending thousands of dollars on a college education that may or may not benefit me due to the crappy economy, and for what? I’m only a sophomore and in four years, what then? Am I wasting my life away here?

I want to travel. I want to see the world. School is tying me down. I don’t care about acid titrations of chemistry and I know that if I don’t learn about them soon, my “required” chemistry II class is going to be the death of me.

Maybe I won’t even make it to 2012. And I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Forensics? I’ve watched too much CSI; it has tainted my view. The same wise man said that perception is far from reality. If I want to be a forensic scientist, I should already be in organic chemistry with having passed pre-calculus, calculus, chemistry I (and II), not to mention a whole bunch of other crap. I’m only a sophomore. What do you want from me? So I gave up.

Then my dad calls and, without realizing it, gives me the biggest guilt trip of my life. “Oh, I always brag about you to people I know…” “She’s gonna be a CSI” “She’s so smart.” “She’s going to go far in life.”… But what if I don’t? How many people am I going to disappoint?

I just want it to go away. I want to fast-forward. Where will I be in 5 years? 10 years? Who will my friends be? Will I even have any more? True friends are hard to keep, let alone find in the first place. I have some though. But, where will they be in 5 or 10 years?

I want to live life to the fullest. I want to travel the world. I want to go sky diving. I just want to get through college. Some people make it look so easy. Janelle drinks. A lot. And yet, she’s so smart. She’s going to law school. She was on the Dean’s List. She’s a senior and she’s survived. What am I doing wrong? I know what I’m doing wrong; I hate studying. I like to read. No, I love to read. I hate to read because I have to though. I read for pleasure and people think I’m weird. I’m lazy. Hear that, Terry? I admit it. But I don’t know how to change.

What started this rant? I was going to go to Wal-Mart. That’s what I told them. But then again, I tell them a lot that I don’t mean. Krista said that they talk to me all the time because there is no one else. I don’t want to carry that burden. What if I’m not good enough to look up to? I can’t be someone’s role model.

This is good. I needed to get things off my chest. I never do this. I’ve never continuously kept any kind of journal or diary. Maybe this can be my start. Maybe this can be the start of other things too. More studying. Striving. Leting people believe in me. I want to be someone who accomplishes something.

I want to be more than a name and a picture in a high school yearbook…